Creativity IV

That seemed a lot like acid (at least from what I've read). Wow. Maybe that amount of DXM is what gets me there.

Anyway, the "perfect" and "normal" happiness thing. Normal happiness would probably be the constitutional right to happiness they say we all deserve. But I've found perfect happiness. And I found it through a drug that could also possibly get me closer to normal happiness.
I'm a recreational drug user who needs a recreational drug as a medicine. Can I have it?

I don't want to swear off my recreational drug use (as opposed to medical use), it's not an addiction. It's a hobby. I get bored. It wouldn't be that dangerous if I had some safer stuff to work with (some kind of opiate!).
Yeah, they're addictive. But I think I'm mature enough to not abuse them.
And marijuana? Come on...

Creativity III

Creativity time! Or epiphany time. I don't know what this is.

The state of mind I'm in now seems like the perfect state of happiness.
Opiates and weed.
Endorphins and Cannabinoids.

A lot like Nitrous Oxide, but less metallic and empty and more warm and full.

Now it's changing. I think a little bit of DXM and lots of weed is perfect. I'm just overdoing the DXM part.


Where do you draw the line between "perfect" and "normal" happiness?

Let me finish this train of thought later.

Jeez, I didn't know I'd trip out this much. Hah, I guess that's what I should have expected though.

Another Creativity post comin' up.

Boredom

I'd like to say "Dammit, I just gave in to my addiction. I was doing so well!", but that didn't really happen. Yeah, I've been DXM-free for exactly a week and I had a shot of Zicam about 2 hours ago, but "giving in to my addiction" isn't the right way to put it.
I was just bored! I have nothing to god damn do.

I figured there was always hope when it came to people, but they aren't becoming more like me as I age, which is something I thought I could rely on. So yeah, that's what most takes up college kids' time, right? People?

You can forget that with me. What else is there? Drugs. Perfect for solo fun. I just wish I had some fucking healthier ones!

Anyway, the point is, I'm a really bored person. And forget hobbies, it's like I'm desensitized to life...
Drugs...

Oh, and I realize that earlier I'd kinda sworn off DXM for medical marijuana, but fuck it. Boredom is a form of pain, and I'm sick of it. The marijuana, if I even get it, will take forever to get here. I'm tired of waiting for something good to happen. I'm tired of showing fake smiles and kissing ass for what I want.
Just hook me up to a heroin IV drip for the rest of my life and I won't bother you.

Repealing Prohibition

Ok, let's get back on track. Some arguments for legalizing all drugs.

• Victimless crime - Using a drug in private is a victimless crime. And if it's harming you, you should still have the freedom to do it; it's not illegal to sit at home and constantly pound your head with a hammer.


• Cognitive liberty - I should be able to be in any state of mind I want to be in. This includes when driving, flying an airplane, or doing surgery. Problems like intoxicated driving or being high on the job should be dealt with directly instead of focusing on the drugs. Some people can do complicated things while high. Think of a smart person dumbing himself down a bit to do average work. Now think of some dumb person doing the same thing, being dumbed down even more to do terrible work with more risk of making mistakes. The smart person is fine (if you like average work), while the dumb person should be fired.
  I'll admit drunk driving is a little more straightforward though.


• Business - I hear marijuana is a great cash crop. I also hear there's a lot of money being wasted on the War on Drugs. Tick-tock.


• The black market - For the most part, it would be gone. Money would be diverted from criminals to businessmen. What's worse, chaotic murder or capitalism? No, that's not a trick question.


• Easier to study drugs with medical potential - Scheduled drugs are harder to access for studying. I can see so much potential in a lot of them. At least give researchers more rights.


• Spirituality and personal benefit - Some drugs can fulfill people spiritually as well as improve their lives (fixing problems that aren't medical, but still personally beneficial).


• Racism - Drug laws are used to oppress minorities. Look it up.

Even if you throw all these arguments out the window, you'd still have a government program with a ridiculous base and history. More on that later.

Aww, look at those. They don't look so bad, do thy? Not the spawn of the devil. They're actually kinda cute.

Medical Marijuana III

Well, after realizing getting an ID card takes a pretty damn long time, I think I'll push this topic to the side for a bit.

But you should get active! Pot can help a lot of people, believe it or not.

Medical Marijuana II

Here's my side effect profile for marijuana.

• Increased awareness of hunger - I'm 5'10" and weigh 140, and it seems like I've been stuck here for 2-3 years. I also have trouble eating in public, so I think my subconscious mind kind of pushes my appetite to the side.
• Increased awareness of energy exertion - I usually have to take a nap every 6-8 hours, and I've never known why. But I think marijuana helps control my mind from racing. I'd usually take a nap from mental exhaustion or a headache.
• It's easier to be me - I feel less inhibited to talk, but in a much different way than Klonopin. Instead of making it easier to just blurt out what's on my immediate attention span, marijuana let's me think through something and say it all together more coherently. And that's how I'd like to be able to talk. I'm also less worried about appearing anxious as I say something, and weed gives you "that look" (back when my Social Anxiety was very bad, I would really strain to hide it; kind of an oxymoron there), so in a way, I guess it is similar to Klonopin. But it's a different feeling. It just feels like it's hitting exactly the right receptors instead of GABA.
• Dry eyes
• Dry mouth
• Some short-term memory trouble

With suicide constantly over my shoulder, the benefits definitely outweigh the problems in my opinion.
I also think the memory trouble is a key thing that people "get used to". With more control over your energy and awareness, your mind subconsciously aims some of it at improving your short-term memory. And if you're actually aware of this little strategy, you can consciously do it, making it a faster process.

Activism

Well, I've looked at marijuana use as recreational for a long time, but now that my life kinda depends on it, I'm going to have to become a well-behaved law-abiding activist. Definitely no more DXM. Just medicinal weed. At least my life has some kind of followable path now.

Medical Marijuana

Most people have no fucking clue what medical marijuana is about. I just had a recent epiphany of seeing how it treats anxiety disorders: it's a complete "personality makeover" type thing! Many people complain that marijuana makes them more anxious, and they're right. But after getting used to this different perspective, usually after smoking weed for a drawn out period of time, you're personality turns into something a little bit more socially adept. Marijuana-caused anxiety is a lot easier to get used to than the extremely deep-rooted anxiety disorders in the DSM-IV. And once you're over the top, you begin to see a new world. You've actually changed parts of who you are.

The government must have a problem with people being able to change their personality so fast. They need to profile them to keep them in control. I think this is what a lot of people saw in the 60's.

But it'll save lives. With suicide rates increasing (usually extremely smart kids who have had enough of the shitty school environment), we're losing a lot of good people. I see the benefits of medical marijuana showing themselves 20-30 years from now.

It's worth the investment, mista prez. Oh, and it'll help me too.


Speaking of me, this epiphany has made me very happy and I'm looking into medical marijuana. And I'm not afraid to fucking say it. Come and get me, you old, conservative, closedminded, chauvinistic, racist, control-freak pieces of shit.
If there's any type of violence pot has caused, it's political.

The Simple Right To Feel Good

That's what prohibition is taking away from a lot of people, including me.

Let me ask the president: If there was a group of people in your country who's only way to live happily was to do drugs, what would you do?


?

Addiction

In my first Creativity post, I was referring to creativity addiction. It seems like many artists can easily have this.

But something that just has to be said when talking about addiction is that everything that can possibly be fun can be addicting. Gambling, shopping, sex, video games, eating, making people laugh, clockmaking, stamp collecting, etc.

All these things alter your brain chemicals; drugs just happen to do so directly.

Being in an altered state from drugs makes people look dumb sometimes. That's why those anti-drug commercials with the fried egg were so popular. But (most) drugs don't "fry your brain", they just alter it temporarily. If people got the "runner's high" more often while jogging, there would probably be a movement trying to ban marathons.

Life is pretty much just one big mind alteration, and any part of it can be addictive. It's too bad people are focusing on drugs now instead of filling prisons with fat people. Possession of more than 12 donuts should get you 1-5 years. Sorry officer, you're going to jail.

Genius

Genius can come from meditation and drugs.

Call it creativity if you want, but when you're in that state, you get a pure stream of thought. Undistracted. Perfect for focusing on a certain idea.

Seems like DXM (300mg) + Cannabis (blazed) + Music (trippy electronica) gives me a window into this state.


You can also get genius from the natural abilities of a person, usually someone who has access to this state through a mental disorder or just a weird life. But the point is that a drug can be a useful, more reliable tool to get there too.


I've tapped into this window to survive. To fill in holes. To fend off suicide. Is that an addiction or a survival instinct?

Video Games

I think video games and TV are much bigger health problems than drugs. They're addictive, habit forming, and mentally decaying. Much more than the majority of drugs out there in my opinion.

It's just more socially acceptable to hold a controller or a remote than a pipe.

If there was a War on Video Games (and it actually worked), people would think more instead of just shooting up a bunch of virtual Nazis and feeling like they contributed to society at the end of the day.

At least if you had smoked some weed instead of playing WOW all day, you'd be a little more open-minded.

What's worse?

America

I see what's wrong with the United States. It's just too big! And young!

Europe is a neatly packed cluster of individually developed countries, while the U.S. is just a big wide wasteland with shitholes all over the place. Each state should be it's own country for christ's sake. People are just too far away from eachother!

Is there a political party for the breaking up of the United States?

Look what you've done, you dumbass British colonists. You sailed over here, started with racism/ethnocentrism right off the bat by slaughtering the natives, and then gave birth to a bunch of racist xenophobic pieces of shit. And we're the most powerful nation in the world now? How the fuck did this happen?

I should've been born in Europe.

DXM and Concentration

DXM seems to put you into a state a lot like alcohol, with disinhibition and all that. But alcohol messes up your motor skills completely. I've noticed that DXM kind of changes them in a certain way. It's still possible to play beer pong well (don't combine DXM with alcohol though!) if you focus enough. Same with pool. If you concentrate, you can make a powerful, accurate shot. But if you get lazy, the ball flies off the table or the pool stick doesn't even hit the cue ball.
When I'm getting drunk, I gradually stop caring. But with DXM, I can shake the feeling and concentrate hard for a moment.

My theory is that while alcohol just gives you a general clumsiness, you get a sort of tunnel vision of concentration from DXM. You can focus on one thing and do it very well, but everything else leaves the picture. So when you're talking to the person you're playing while making a shot, that's when your pool stick is going to rip the billiard fabric.

This may be where the "robo-walk" phenomenon comes from (a weird gait many people say they have when they're on DXM). You let your legs just do their thing while you're concentrating on thinking / looking around / talking, and they eventually get lazy and you start walking funny.

I remember writing in one of my journals that we should replace all cigarettes with joints and all alcohol with cough syrup. The former would definitely be great, but I think the latter would cause more violence, as DXM has a stimulant/analgesic sort of effect that could be dangerous.
I think I wrote that with just the health problems of those drugs in mind though. Like I've said before, a lot still isn't known about DXM, but so far for me, it seems like it has less health problems than alcohol. Don't take my word for it though.

My Addiction III

I think hiding my personality is helped greatly by being looked at as a druggie, as it's hard for someone to get to know you when you're messed up all the time. Maybe I'm trying to fit into the stereotype of a drug addict just to look like this. I also sometimes play around with pretending to be high (all this pretending and hiding is likely contributing to my Borderline diagnosis), and usually the average person isn't very good at being able to tell.

Maybe this is a tool used by insomniacs too. Just replace the druggie look with the image of a sleep deprived burnout. I'll admit I borrow from the tired look when trying to seem high.

Anyway, I've given up DXM easily in the past, and I may not be needing it for just the opiate receptors. I probably need it for all of them, as they all contribute to looking fucked up. If I was truly addicted to the opiate receptors, I'd be going through physical withdrawal when I take breaks. But like I said, I'm psychologically addicted. I think "the look" is what I'm addicted to.

But let's not forget about the all around fun of the experience! Like with any other hobby, fun can be addicting. Just keep me away from ketamine.

Creativity II

I might be being monitored by campus safety, or maybe something bigger, so that's on my mind right now, but I might as well post since I'm so high. Yes, it could be a DXM-induced paranoid thought where I'm reading into things way too much, but hey, maybe it's true. This is an unusual one. And it's been drawn out over the last few weeks, so it's not like I do this all the time.

Anyway, might as well show you some of the creativity veins that DXM can hit.

You can't just give me a blank slate! I need something to work with!

Alright fine, here's something for you to think about, brain: nothing.

Yeah, why did the universe have to exist? Why couldn't there just be nothing? This looks kinda set up. Move on.

Well, there you have it. I don't know, I'd never used the curve feature in paint before. So what the fuck.

Facebook

I don't have a profile. Myspace either. I understand the appeal of it, make your profile look like you're the most popular social butterfly on the planet even though most people in real life hate your guts. A coping mechanism I suppose.

But there are some downsides. Know why they call it a profile? It's related to Criminal Profiling. You're doing the government's job for them, you fucking idiot! For christ's sake, some people even put their middle initial on these things. Why don't you just volunteer for fingerprinting?

I can see a dystopian society in the future where you have to have one. Just because some insecure bitch wanted to play make-believe. Delete your profile.

My Addiction II

Here I am, buh-lazed as hell. Another piece to the puzzle:

Borderline Personality Disorder seems like the wrong way to look at it. I think I've just been hiding my personality because I was raised by a theoretically bisexual (or at least very feminine) father from which I didn't get the proper masculine influence. I'd bet that's why I listen to rap. I'm getting what I can from there.

Hiding your personality sounds like a very tough thing to do, but I think that's what happened. I've barely gotten by though, to say the least.


Let me just say this, I'm not gay! I've been mistaken for gay probably more than the average straight guy, and I think it's because hiding your personality is a great way to hide homosexuality/bisexuality, and this is being done a lot more often these days due to increased awareness of the existence of homosexuality/bisexuality.

Sounds like the fight for legalization is tied in with the gay movement. Yayyy, more popularity!

Imagination

Where did phrases like "I can't even imagine that" come from? Probably some old fashioned religious thing passed down from generation to generation to control any radical thoughts that might have led to kids questioning things.

You can imagine anything! Try it! "Unimaginable" shouldn't be in the dictionary! What a fucking ridiculous concept!

You should locate the roots of the old-fashioned mindset in your parents, grandparents, and general family and then you'll see the weeds in yourself. And now you're a little more free from your naturing and nurturing.


Oh, and wind that week clock back a day. DXMistake.

Creativity

Of course I'm on DXM, shutup! Anyway, yeah, I'm back. DXM definitely helps me write this blog. Irony? I'unno.

Wow, creativity is addictive, ain't it? Looks like I found a new mental disorder, but since drugs are illegal and this isn't an official study, I don't get shit.
Imagine me homeless on my campus or something. "I discovered a new mental disorder with my addiction, professor, got some spare change?".

But yeah, DXM has definitely increased my creativity in the past, as well as now. I've got like 3 notebooks with my thoughts and doodles in them. A famous concept of mine: The Week Clock! It even tells you when I drew it! What a contrabulous fabtraption (props to The Simpsons)! Go ahead and make lots of money off the idea.

Oh, and my posting times are off by like 4 hours or something, I don't know why.

I'm Clean (for now)

Yeah, I'll confess that I've been clean for I think about 3-4 days. I had a spiritual-ish experience partly caused by DXM and partly caused by normal thought (I'm still an atheist though, for all intents and purposes).

I really doubt it'll stay this way though. I still get cravings occasionally. Midterms are kind of a big thing preventing me from taking another Zicam shot, as well as the possibility of finding a girl out there (I finally got laid after like 6 months!).

So stay tuned, I'll probably become a good old drug addict again.

Black Culture and Rap

Like I said, Black Culture itself is starting to believe in White stereotypes as a new generation grows up, not having been through the Golden Era. This generation has missed the politically charged rap that was actually helping racism to end. Now we have upper class Black teenagers who are playing the part, feeding off White admiration of Blacks, and celebrating the horrible conditions that their parents went through.
Classic, political songs are ignored as bullshit rap is pumped out of the system so fast that you forget what songs were popular a year ago.


If it weren't so cool-looking to duck the police and shoot it out with rival gangs, rap wouldn't have been taken over by Whites. If prohibition didn't exist, there wouldn't be this ducking of police or shooting.

Thank prohibition not only for crime, but for fucked up music as well.

Whites, Rap, and Dealers

Rap used to be about the reality of what was happening in urban America. The "Golden Era" involved a lot of politics, showing the fucked up conditions that many blacks were (and still are) in.

What happened? Whites started looking at being black as cool. White teenagers everywhere tuned in to the image of the black drug dealer. Record labels saw a great way to make money, selling this image.


What do we have now? A bunch of Whites buying rap music, dancing to it at frat parties and driving around banging it out their windows. And is it an accurate portrayal of Black culture? No, it's a fucking packaged stereotype.

Whites having a stereotypical view of Blacks is bad enough, but Blacks themselves are starting to buy into it. The Golden Era is definitely over...


Every weed dealer I've come across in my life was in some shape or form a wigger. What happened to the hippie stoners? The dealers that weren't obsessed with violence, hooking people to their drugs, and knocking up as many women as possible?
They were snuffed out in the 60's, thanks to prohibition. Does this look like a good trade?

DXM Harm Reduction

Disclaimer - I am not advocating drug use in this post. It is strictly for informational purposes. Also, do not take my advice as official medical information. I claim fallibility and am definitely not right about everything.

You may have read a few posts below and are now thinking that DXM looks like a great drug to do if you can do well in college on it. But you have to know that I'm an extremely health conscious drug user. I've read a lot on the subject and I take as many precautions as I can to avoid problems. Also, I'm not you. Drugs affect people differently.

If I've piqued your curiosity about trying DXM, here are some things to know:

• Make sure the product you are using only has one active ingredient: Dextromethorphan Hydrobromide (or Dextromethorphan Polistirex). There are certain ingredients in some cough preparations that, when taken in high enough doses, can cause liver damage, heart attack, respiratory arrest, and so on.
• Take into account any major health conditions you might have (including mental health).
• Many people find the effects of DXM "dirty" or unpleasant. Start with a low dose and find your sweet spot, if you even have one...
• Drink enough water so that you're pissing regularly, especially if you're using DXM in a cough syrup form (remember there are other forms). Cough syrups have lots of sugar, and being dehydrated with a bottle of high fructose corn syrup in your system may damage your pancreas and kidneys.
• Read William White's DXM FAQ (provided by Erowid.org in the link) to know more about what you're getting into.

That's what I consider to be the most important advice from my experience. But again, you're not me. There are many unknowns about DXM; it's a relatively new drug. So I suggest reading more. Look in books, Google until you can't Google anymore, whatever.

If you do other drugs, you should research them too. Turn your hobby into an interest.

My Addiction

I think the roots of my addiction are in my mental disabilities. Here's what I have again:

-Mild Asperger's Syndrome
-Social Anxiety Disorder
-Major Depressive Disorder
-Borderline Personality Disorder

The differences between me and my peers because of my mild AS led to Depression and SA (it's hard to tell which came first). This of course led to problems in personality development over the course of maybe 5 years, giving me what seems to be a BPD diagnosis now.

Drugs happened to become one of my obsessional "AS Interests" and I couldn't really be happy without at least reading about them. The trip reports in certain books and websites were so fascinating, I had to be a part of it. I eventually tried marijuana for the first time right at the end of junior year in high school. DXM about a week/month later (I had planned this, it's not like the Gateway Theory is showing itself here). I was doing them every 2 weeks or so off and on out of boredom. Having depression and a few suicide attempts before and throughout this time period made me realize that I was not only a bored person, but a pretty unhappy one as well. I needed something to stimulate my brain to catch up in certain areas that my mental disorders had left unused. By the summer after my first semester of college (which was in the Spring), I was using the DXM+Weed combination every 2-3 days.

And it helped. Look, I'm not dead.

I hope that this doesn't mean we should start banning books and censoring the internet in some politician's eyes.

Psychedelics/dissociatives have therapeutic value.

Minorities

Now, this blog isn't just about me. Prohibition affects and has been affecting plenty of other people in some pretty fucking horrible ways.

"Nationwide, black men are sent to prison on drug charges at 13 times the rate of white men."
-http://www.drugwarfacts.org/cms/node/64

"A recent report by Human Rights Watch found that while drug use is consistent across all racial groups, Blacks and Latinos are far more likely to be arrested and prosecuted and given long sentences for drug offenses. Blacks constitute 13 percent of all drug users, but 35 percent of those arrested for drug possession, 55 percent of persons convicted, and 74 percent of people sent to prison. Nationally, Latinos comprise almost half of those arrested for marijuana offenses"
-http://www.drugpolicy.org/about/position/race_paper_crim.cfm

What more do you have to know? The police, the DEA, and the penal system make up a corrupt, racist conglomerate set on flushing minorities down the toilet...with the help of prohibition.