Saturday, March 13, 2010


After reading a few more books on the history of drugs and whatnot, I feel like trying to list all the reasons why prohibition is still in place. These are the main things we need to change (I think):

-A general moral disgust with "undeserved" pleasure, mostly coming from religion but also maybe from capitalism/competitiveness. The appearance of (and actual) laziness that drugs can cause doesn't seem too popular, it's one of the 7 deadly sins for christ's sake.
-The belief that society would be torn apart if all drugs (or even just marijuana) became legal. Complete legalization really is a complicated thing to think about, but this belief that "people these days have no self control with drugs" is usually firm in the minds of people who don't know much about drugs. Most of these people have been raised on the often flat out lies of government prevention programs. People need to be educated, not lied to.
-The pharmaceutical industry. Synthetic drugs can be patented, plants cannot. This is usually associated with legalizing marijuana (since it is a huge cash crop), but having freely distributed opium tinctures and coca paste on the shelves wouldn't be too great for their business either. I bet the idea of psychedelic therapy with psilocybin mushrooms, peyote, etc. scares them as well.
-Government corruption. I really don't know too much about this, but it includes racism, police corruption (selling confiscated drugs back to the streets), political conspiracy, and all that.

The first two are issues that can be dealt with by argument and education (but would take long to make real change), while the other two seem quickly changeable, but more out of reach. And of course these aren't the only issues out there, they just seem the most important to me.

Speaking of me, I'm still trying to get Klonopin, and I really think alcoholism is in my future if I don't get it. I wouldn't mind being some kind of martyr though. I see drugs as tools to reach happiness, and that kind of use is socially unacceptable for ridiculous reasons. Fuck you tight-ass witch-burning puritans, I'm just trying to be happy too.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


After seeing a new therapist (the first one I've seen with not just a degree in social work), I've been given the possible diagnosis of ADD and have been put on Adderal 30mg. My current focus is finding an antidepressant to treat my social anxiety and depression, having tried Lexapro and seeing that it didn't work (and I'm pretty sure Prozac wasn't doing much, if anything at all). I think I might be moving on from SSRIs into mood stabilizers and other drugs, and I may go back on Klonopin as I feel that I really need it (at least PRN).

Now I'm just sitting at home being bored and being haunted by fits of irritability and depression. Fun stuff. I've had 5 years of treatment and I've barely gotten anywhere. Maybe you could say I've gotten worse, with my mental disorders evolving into others. I'd say that all I've gotten from my past days of treatment was a highschool diploma.

The current issue is finding the right med. If I had a few doses of every single drug in existance with medical potential laid out in front of me, I think I'd be a little more optimistic about where I'm headed.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Withdrew From College

Yup, I was just getting really stressed. I don't think the college dorm living situation is good for me, as I've now withdrawn from two colleges. The first kicked me out (well, more like told me to go away) for a suicide attempt though, which was fucking ridiculous. I'll gladly tell you which college it was if you're some kind of reporter willing to fuck up their reputation or something.

I'll be honest and say that the paranoid thoughts DXM was giving me probably weren't helping, but I also think I wouldn't have been able to cope without its positive effects. It's hard to say though, as life is complicated. Fuck it though, what's done is done.

Now I might try some community college, I don't know. I've also been referred to some Asperger's Syndrome expert or something, so we'll see how that goes. My main priority is still to get medical marijuana, as I believe that will help me a lot and maybe I might have had a more successful semester if I'd gotten it already.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


After really getting into Dave Chappelle's work and then being led to Richard Pryor, I've been thinking. Stand up comedy seems like a great way to gauge an audience's racist attitudes. You can hear their beliefs in the way they react.

Bleh, that's all I have to say for now.

Friday, November 6, 2009


I've been gradually getting sick, so experiment: failed. I don't even know if the headache I had last night was from the caffeine or this fever, but I'm definitely not in shape to do any chemical experimenting right now. Sorry folks!

I have a feeling it was either too high of a dose, or I'm just not the right person to be taking it every day. It could possibly be a once-every-so-often supplement, like how I was using Ambien a while ago.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Medical Caffeine

Caffeine is already in plenty of OTC preparations, such as pain relievers and cold medications, but I can see health effects of it that are taken for granted in the coffee cup.

Every day, people use it to wake up. And usually the rule is don't have any after 4pm or so to prevent sleep problems. And with that 70-90% of America statistic, it seems it's a Soma-like drug (reference to Brave New World, not carisoprodol). I think people should be more aware of its potential to create a healthier lifestyle.

It could even be used as an antidepressant. Definitely not for the Major Depressive Disorder that makes you lack serotonin, but maybe for a less serious type. To me, it seems like there are lots of different kinds of depression out there, and caffeine might be able to help with some of them.
I'm putting 100mg in each day of my pill case thingie, and we'll see how my sleeping patterns and mood are. Today already went pretty nicely. I felt like I had a refreshing amount of social energy. I got up at 8:30, then took a 1-2 hour nap around 1pm, which is extremely unusal for me. I usually crash right after class and sleep in until 7-8pm.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I've just realized how much caffeine can help me. For some reason I've been looking at it as a dirty, synthetic drug that everybody else uses. But now that I think about it, since a huge amount of people use it daily and have healthy lives, it's also been an herbal-type drug for centuries.

I've been avoiding it altogether probably because I've been putting it in the same category as alcohol and tobacco...those legal drugs.

And let's not forget how my parents wouldn't even let me buy caffeine pills! Bleh, they were authoritarian motherfuckers. They censored websites about drugs and all that.

I even remember one of my many psychiatrists/therapists not recommending it and saying it's a quick fix. What the fuck, man? I'm constantly seeing statistics that say around 70-90% of Americans use caffeine every day.

One big thing keeping me away from it was the anxiety it can cause. But I think I could apply my theory of "getting used to marijuana" to caffeine as well.