Friday, October 2, 2009

My Addiction

I think the roots of my addiction are in my mental disabilities. Here's what I have again:

-Mild Asperger's Syndrome
-Social Anxiety Disorder
-Major Depressive Disorder
-Borderline Personality Disorder

The differences between me and my peers because of my mild AS led to Depression and SA (it's hard to tell which came first). This of course led to problems in personality development over the course of maybe 5 years, giving me what seems to be a BPD diagnosis now.

Drugs happened to become one of my obsessional "AS Interests" and I couldn't really be happy without at least reading about them. The trip reports in certain books and websites were so fascinating, I had to be a part of it. I eventually tried marijuana for the first time right at the end of junior year in high school. DXM about a week/month later (I had planned this, it's not like the Gateway Theory is showing itself here). I was doing them every 2 weeks or so off and on out of boredom. Having depression and a few suicide attempts before and throughout this time period made me realize that I was not only a bored person, but a pretty unhappy one as well. I needed something to stimulate my brain to catch up in certain areas that my mental disorders had left unused. By the summer after my first semester of college (which was in the Spring), I was using the DXM+Weed combination every 2-3 days.

And it helped. Look, I'm not dead.

I hope that this doesn't mean we should start banning books and censoring the internet in some politician's eyes.

Psychedelics/dissociatives have therapeutic value.

No comments:

Post a Comment